Tag Archives: pregnancy after miscarriage

I'm just really trying to understand

Posted on August 14, 2009 by

OK, I am 25 weeks pregnant, and I work at an IVF clinic.  So yes, daily, I see women who are struggling with infertility, recurrent losses, failed cycles, and a host of other problems.  I understand that having a pregnant nurse can be hard.  That’s why I never mention it, I always have a smile, I am courteous, helpful, and I am  always willing to listen.  For the first half of my pregnancy, I even tried to hide it for as long as I could.

Now, I can’t hide it anymore.

A patient today, who is doing a donor egg cycle, who hadn’t seen me in a few months said….

“Soooooo, you’re pregnant.”

“Yes” (that was it no elaboration, nothing else.)

“Well, you know you are going to have a lot of jealous patients around here.”

OK, what do I say?

“You might want to try to hide that.”

OK. Deep breath.

Hide that?

HIDE THAT?

Are you shitting me?

Now, I have always been conscious of the fact that I am a pregnant woman working around women who can’t get pregnant. 

But when I was a non pregnant person working around pregnant people, laboring people, people with babies, I NEVER , EVER EVER considered telling someone to HIDE THAT.

WTF?

I suffered greatly when I went to a baby shower of a friend the day after I had my D&C.  I suffered when I helped her deliver her baby when my own baby was gone and I was shattered beyond belief, barely holding myself together.   But she was my friend.  I suffered everyday when I worked in Labor and Delivery when I wasn’t pregnant month after month of trying.   I went to work two days after I found out there was no heartbeat at 10+ weeks and everybody knew.  I worked with pregnant co workers and patients, delivering babies with my own dead baby still inside of me. 

Weeping inside. 

Screaming inside. 

That was my job.  But I still managed to be nice and  pleasant and only had good things to say to what seemed like EVERYONE else in the world who was pregnant but me.  Why take out my problems on someone else? It wasn’t their fault.

I just don’t understand.  The comment really hurt my feelings.  I could understand where she was coming from, but to actually say it?

That hurt.

On the one hand, I have to say she had balls to say it. 

But on the other hand….

I am PROUD!!

  DAMN PROUD and HAPPY to be proud of my belly, of my pregnancy!  I’ve waited too long for this, and I’ll be DAMNED if I hide it!  I’m sensitive, I don’t bring it up, but hide it?

Not in this lifetime.

It brings up a good question:

Would any of you do this? Have you? Do you think I should “hide that”? And if so, why?

I’m really, reallymad and  just trying to understand.

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Evening thoughts

Posted on August 5, 2009 by

Sometimes, I think being a nurse( working in Labor and Delivery and in a RE’s office has forever skewed my view on life/pregnancy. 

Even though I have been in L&D for the last 10 years and have seen just how wrong things can go, I never thought of it in terms of  me.   I never thought anything could happen to me.  Come on, taking a year to get pregnant? Then miscarrying at 10 weeks 6 days?  What the hell?  All of this was stuff that happened to other people not me!  I’m healthy, I don’t smoke, do drugs, or drink excessively.  WTF?

I know the past has a big impact on us and that if we don’t learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it.  But I did nothing wrong last time.  And I”m doing nothing wrong this time. But I still got shitted on.  I know everything happens for a reason, but for the life of me, I still don’t get the reason for my miscarriage.

But it did happen to me, and now I live with the consequences of it daily.  The fear, the unknown, the known, all mixed up with the joy, elation and excitement.

So anyway, I was writing this post at work, when I just decided to give in and go on over to ultrasound, hope they weren’t too busy, and beg to see The Boy.

Of course,(yes I can say that now) he was there, healthy, happy, and moving around.  I was right, the reason I can’t feel him the same is that he turned, and is now head down.  He’s kicking other areas besides my cervix.  We measured him, and he comes out to be 618 grams which equals 1 pound 8 oz.  He put his hand in his mouth, he yawned, he looked like he was trying to get his foot to his mouth.  At one point, it even looked like he was waving at me!  He always measures consistently 2 days ahead(which today was 24 weeks exactly,) moving my due date up to 11/25 instead of 11/27.  Not much really, but interesting.

So I feel better.

Until next time.

But the question still stands, why did I feel that way in the first place?  Why can’t I just bask in the glory of being pregnant like everyone else?  Why do I still feel like I can’t fully expand my lungs?  I don’t know if I will ever be a happy carefree pregnant girl. 

Probably not. 

 But maybe I’ll be one that can breathe easier as the weeks go by.

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The first due date

Posted on June 18, 2009 by

Today is June 18th, 2009.

The official due date of my first pregnancy.

You know, I had almost forgotten.  When I had my D&C, I erased or crossed out ever reference to this day.  I even bought a new calender.   I consciously erased what this day was supposed to be from my mind.  But earlier this week, I remembered.  I feel bad.

You see, I have been torn all day about how I should feel.  It wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind today.  Really.  The first thing that popped in my mind was,

“Wow, 16 weeks 6 days today.  I wonder what my little boy is doing in there?”

I feel guilty that I haven’t thought of that unborn child up until today for a long time.  I feel guilty for being happy today of all days.  I feel guilty because I am not sad.

Oh, I am sad in a “what if?” kind of way, but not sad, crying, depressed like I thought I would be today.  Like I think I should  be today.

Is it because I am pregnant again?  Would I have been able to get though this day if I wasn’t? 

I don’t know the answers to my own questions. 

I have been going through this day like a normal day.  Worrying about being on time for work, worrying about the swelling in my legs and feet, worrying about bills to pay, wondering what’s going on in my belly right now.  Just a normal day.

I feel guilty for that.

Because I am deliriously happy today.  My life is “almost” perfect.  Life is good.  I feel so so so blessed.  I am having a baby boy.

Does that negate the other child that I carried for 10 weeks 6 days?  I don’t think so.  I still think of that child.  And I think of what might of been.  I still question myself , wondering if I did anything wrong.  Could I have done anything differently? Why? Why did it happen to me?  Why my baby?  I am still struggling with blind faith that God has a plan, so these questions will always be there, and will always be unanswered.  I will always wonder, what if?

But for today, I am celebrating one child while morning another.   Will it be the same on the next due date?  When I hold my little boy in my arms, will I be thinking about the other?  I don’t know.  Honestly I don’t.  All I can do for now, is live in the moment. 

And this moment is a happy one.  One filled with joy, expectation, fear, celebration, and love.

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14 weeks

Posted on May 29, 2009 by

So, I just kind of sorta outed myself on Facebook.  Now, I didn’t post in my status “I’m pregnant” or anything.  I just posted a photo of me holding my bump “looking” kind of pregnant.  Ha Ha.  I admit, I’m a chicken.  People are going to start finding out.  I might as well give them a hint.  I guess.  Now I wish I could take the picture off. 

Oh well.

Today, we are 14 weeks!!! Yeah!

I am starting to wander more into the baby sections of stores.  Browsing.  I still can’t bring myself to buy anything.  But I look.  I am planning to start cleaning out “the room” this weekend.

Scary.

I am getting more comfortable saying, “when the baby comes.”

I am starting to save for maternity leave.

I am going to start exercising again, because hey, this baby seems like he/she is firmly lodged in there.

C-Dub and I had an interesting conversation last night about parenting.

I am getting more comfortable saying “I am pregnant.”

Wow.  I’ve come a long way.

But…..

I still check my underwear obsessively.

I still poke at my boobs on any given day to see if they are still sore.

I enjoy indigestion and heartburn.

I still have the obsessive need to check for the baby’s heartbeat every other minute.

I still think….what if?????

So, three steps forward, one step back.

But it’s OK.

Positive thinking.

Because today I am pregnant.  I am pregnant today.  I will be pregnant tomorrow, and next week, and next month…….you get my drift.

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